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anyway, today had lunch wif 2 frens from where I am doing my conscription (it's classified cos freedom of speech is enshrined in Singapore's constitution). will invite them to see my blog. they are very intellectual, v capable pple. I really look up to them. I am not intellectual. Compared to them, I am nothing. I smile when I think about what they say. They say I am intellectual like them, so it's all right for them to talk intellectual wif me. They say things like, "we need a moratorium on this topic," and, "when you are with intellectual people, be intellectual, when you are with people who are not, you must know how to modify your persona." I mean, Moratorium! That's a term used to denote a contractual delay in political/legal arguments. This is language that is satirical to say the least, in fact it goes as far as mock heroic. What u mean is, "change subject lah." Reminds me of when I once told someone to "refrain from bombastic and convoluted language when simple vocabulary will suffice," and he replied, "le gong si mi"
But I don't want to be known by my frens as intellectual. I suppose when my frens say I am intellectual, they mean well. At least 2 people have oreidi referred to me as "intellectual" on their blog. But is this what I really what I wanna be? No. I wanna be insightful, kind, warm, helpful, humble, patient, understanding, faithful, gentle, self-controlled. Intellect is a prerequisite for none of these things. God is a prerequisite for all of them. Reason makes man superior to the animal, but emotions makes man human, and longsuffering makes him divine. I'd rather combine head (wisdom not intellect) and heart (the ability to love, which is the centrepiece of God's 2 commandments) to try to obey God (obedience is better than sacrifice). There is a gap between desire and actuality, dat's y I need God. sigh.
Sigh. Nowadays if people say I am intellectual, or use some other synonym to describe me, I have to remind myself, "Remember what God taught you when you were overseas. There are lotsa people out there smarter than u, more hardworking than you, more capable than you, higher EQ than you. You only made it thru ur 4 years of study cos God helped you when you really mattered, and you still have many sub-standard essays on ur laptop to remind u of that. And intellectual enrichment should bring with it intellectual humility, not pride." But I eagerly desire the greater gifts. So I just smile at my friends, although I AM worried about my career prospects. Yes, very. Will I just stay a teacher forever? I mean, I want to rise in the civil service too. It's legitimate to aspire to rise. People believe I will rise. How do they know? On what basis. It depends on your performance in a level playing field. among my peers, I am one of the lowest. Most of them have a better deal than me, and are doing better than me. Over here where I do "what I am liable to do" (I use this phrase cos freedom of speech is enshrined in Singapore's constitution) my peers are handling much heavier and more challenging projects than I am oreidi. They liaise wif big people, including permanent secretaries, military generals, and ministers. They envision plans and formulate policies. What about me? Sigh. and even then I make mistakes by getting the numbers and bullets on documents well, faltering on bureaucratic protocol. When will I ever learn?
So I just smile when I think about the language they use. But I just hope I dun embarrass myself in the same way by acting intellectual & not realising it?